I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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