I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
