I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
