He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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