The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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