My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's never too late to be topless.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
