I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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