her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
