I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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