i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
