Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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