Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
