My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
