dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
