mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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