If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
