i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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