How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
