I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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