I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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