She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
