I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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