you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
