My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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