why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
