apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
