I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
