someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Liz is crying about burritos again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
