Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
