why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
