I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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