I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
