So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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