she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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