I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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