I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was not drunk enough for that final.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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