Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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