Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
