I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
