Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
