She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Drunk is not a location!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
