Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
