I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
