I can text with my tongue
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
