I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
