I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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