My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
