You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
