well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
