i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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